I think I may really have a type, well at least as far as movie characters go. I mean, I’ll watch a film, a film of a specific genre, and I’ll be drawn to this certain dude. I’m sure you’re thinking, ‘Yeah well sure, that happens to all women’. You’re not wrong but I think that’s more of a lust thing. I mean, I have characters I totally lust over like way after the movie has ended and I build a little creepy hut for those dudes in my vault where they can share a communal bathroom in one dark part of the house and wait to be summoned for duty one by one. Those are action movie men, emotional romantic drama men, sports movie men, that kinda sweaty macho muscly rubbish – hunks so to say (listen, the 90s said it best). The type that I speak of is different. After the movie I don’t lead them blindfolded and covered in baby oil into my Amazon hut. One word comes to mind, and that word is ‘boyfriend’. I just wanna cuddle them and talk to them and serial watch a TV series in my PJs with them while we binge drink on a Friday night, and go to music festivals and sports games with them.
I’m not sure these guys have a super specific physical attribute, except that they’re all tall I guess, some of ’em have borderline daddy bodies and the rest have regular dude bodies. I can’t word what I’m imagining but you catch my drift right? Wow, the 90s have really taken over my writing today. But in more related news, these guys all have one thing in common; they are all comical and make me smile. And right off the top of my head, these are some of the blokes that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside when I’m watching *insert sub-genre* comedies:
Friends With Kids – Chris O’Dowd.
I think that face says it all. And he’s the most relatable and laid back character in that movie which makes him really attractive to me.
The Romantics – Adam Brody
Something Borrowed – John Krasinski.
Quirky best friend? Um, ja! And he’s married to Emily Blunt, irl and that’s the biggest stamp of approval if you ask me.
No Strings attached – Ashton Kutcher.
I know he’s the lead but so are Jake Gyllenhaal and Justin Timberlake in their casual sexy time movies and I feel zero for them.
Five Year engagement – Chris Pratt
Actually where is Chris Pratt not adorable? Where? Show me! Have you seen how ripped he has become? How can I not appreciate a man who can transform like that?
That Awkward Moment – Miles Teller
Miles, oh Miles… You are so chucklesome. Most age appropriate of the bunch and probably most bangable. Marry me, Mr Potato Face.
Delivery Man – Amos VanderPoel.
I mean he doesn’t even speak in the damn movie! This is a real problem. Also, Chris Pratt again.
I love you, Man – Jason Segal
Jason Segal in ‘I love you, Man’ was definitely the one to pop my moron-loving cherry and you never forget your first.
Yup. It’s a weird one but I am into tall goofy/funny/somewhat good looking/but mostly tall & goofy guys with nice hair in movies where they’re tall and goofy.
P.S Where are all the carefree black guys on mainstream media? 🙁 Like, where are the brown wacky cuties? (No, it’s a for real question, I don’t know where to find idiotic POC dudes).
P.P.S My real thoughts on the subject? Well, my friend, Nhlanhla Holmes Mthiyane said the other day, “I don’t think you’re gonna end up with any of the bros you’re currently into. I think you’re gonna end up with a dude. A funny, sports loving dude.”
And there’s this quote,
“I believe our celebrity crushes reveal more about us than we would like to admit.”
— COREY WESLEY
And maybe it’s true. For now, my real life crushes are mostly emotionally unavailable remnants of my varsity life with super stable jobs and no senses of humour. It’s sad but I’ve made such a a habit of falling for and fraternising with these types that I’ve convinced myself I’m doomed to a life of being the spouse to Mr Business Trips and will, therefore, have daddy issue kids. But, if that saying is true, and my friend Nhla really believes it is – then I really have an awesome and chill love life to look forward to. Thanks Holmes.