Lol, you guys.
In the past year or so I discovered The Greg and Lucky Podcast, Simmi Areff’s Lesser Known Somebodies and the American podcast 2 Dope Queens. I don’t own a radio and have no access to it, the idea of streaming radio online is weird to me (I tried it, I hated it and I honestly don’t know why.) So I was especially keen when I stumbled upon Greg & Lucky’s Podcast. They’re just insane enough for me and they don’t take themselves seriously which provides easy listening on days when you need to chill the flamingo out and have a good laugh about local shenanigans. Thanks to their intense spirit of make-believe entrepreneurship, Lucky with his smooth Barry White Junior voice and Greg with his mane of brown hair that makes me wanna dry hump, I think I’ll always be a fan of their show.
I first saw Simmi at Kitchener’s about 2 years ago and I found him quite cool. Then I saw him again in public and tweeted about his awesome hair in true fangirl form (I may have a hair problem) and he was really cool about it. I remember thinking to myself ‘My guy, you’ve found a die-hard fan in me.’ Fast forward to 2016 and Simmi is still making me laugh through my earphones, at my desk with his quirky way of interviewing other comedians and, well, lesser known somebodies on his podcast. I particularly liked the casts with Jason Goliath, Robby Collins and Loyiso Madinga as visitors. Listening to people who are familiar with each other, and have the same stuff to have a fat chat about, always gets my vote.
And then there’s 2 Dope Queens, which I had to cyber travel all the way to North America for. But listen… Totally worth it. Firstly, Jessica Williams can do no wrong. I mean, you’ve seen her on The Daily Show with Trevor Noah (which she is no longer a part of *sad face*). She’s talented and she’s funny and a tall sex goddess gazelle. When I heard Phoebe Robinson wrote for MTV’s Girl Code and saw her on Broad City I had to assume that she, too, is talented and funny. And she is! And beautifully, adorably, dirty! Bonus: These are two amazing black ladies who aren’t afraid to say what they’re thinking, and laugh out loud and provide a smorgasbord of relatable crazy millennial girl-life stories. I’m here for it.
These beautiful black gems…
So much of beauty. Such amaze. Ugh.
Nicole Beharie – Badass All-American chick. She also studied at Julliard and was trained in her craft in England. Amazing much? Nikki stars as Abbie in Sleepy Hollow – which is where I first encountered her. Dudes, I love Sleepy Hollow! And I love Ichabod (Duh). And it makes me feel better that she’s my height and dated Michael Fassbender just fine. #Shortgirlproblems not a thing.
Gugu Mbatha-Raw – I literally cannot deal with how beautiful this girl’s face is. Like I knew she was good looking and then I watched Belle and it was like hol’up. Not sure if it’s the period drama thing or the abolishing of slavery thing, but I found her godly, dudes. Her dad is South African (of course there’s bias here) and her mom is British. I mean, what kind of ridiculous combination is that? The world stood no chance.
Kerry Washington – Two words. Olivia Motherclucking Pope. That was three words and I know that, and you need to stop being a smartass. She’s really pretty and expressive and passionate and I feel so close to her emotionally because she makes such bad dating decisions (like me). She’s also, more importantly, part of the new wave of black actresses – just like the ladies above – who are getting into roles that are more about the individual before they’re about the individual’s skin colour and whatever typecasting rubbish goes with that. And I love it!
All 2.08 metres of him.
Where do I even begin?…
Those legs. Let me give you a brief history of my relationship with man legs. When I was a wee little lass I watched a blockbuster slasher film by the name ‘I know what you did last Summer’ and through it, I had my first encounter with Ryan ‘Too gorgeous to be real/Legs of glory’ Phillipe and from that day onwards, when most girls looked at boys’ butts/abs/faces I always started from the bottom and maybe made my way up. And it didn’t help that I attended uni at Tuks where the boys wore shorts 9 months out of the 12 months of the year – which is the same amount of time they spent playing rugby, hockey and footie. Hubba-hubba. And then Blake’s legs are just unfair and veiny and manly and calvy and… I’m not mad at the body they’re attached to either.
The height situation. Like any other hot blooded woman on earth, I like a boy who is taller than me. But unlike any other hot blooded woman on earth, I like a boy who is ridiculously, maybe even uncomfortably and disturbingly taller than I am. It’s not a fetish, it’s a preference. Shut your mouth. In the words of Melissa McCartney’s character in Bridesmaids, “I’m glad he’s single, cos I’m gonna climb that like a tree.” That’s my daily mantra.
That face though. Those dimples, that dimple chin, that goofy million dollar smile on that caramel skin. Just stop.
SENSE OF HUMOUR. What?! Dude, Blake is hella funny hey. Like, I laugh at every thing he does, from Space Jam readings to Laugh Factory ‘Slam Dunk Poetry’ and not just because I want to see him naked and have his biracial-biracial kids. The internet agrees that he’s just a laugh and that’s pretty friggin magnificent to me – because laughter is the best thing in life after food (and maybe a boyfriend who is a Blake griffin clone). Guys who are funny and chill about taking themselves seriously are my kryptonite, so for Blake to be all of that physically with a bucket of raw superhuman athleticism plus have a goofy, adorable sense of humour? That’s just an invitation to Obsession Land.
I <3 you, Blake.
My nickname for WiFi.
I live in South Africa. No, let me say that again, I live in South Africa and I really love the internet. Now, let that marinate. Think about it, think about the strugs of a person who lives in South Africa and has a love affair with the internet. It’s like a very one-sided long distance relationship (much like my current non-relationship). So I love wifi, I love free wifi, I love stolen wifi, I love them all. If Herman or Diack from next door decide to not have pass codes, I’m on that. If a cafe says I get a certain amount of wifi free, I’m there. I will subject myself to Wimpy food for that free 30 minutes. I will arrive at work early. I will stay up after midnight because I love wifi! And I live in South Africa, so.
and their British accents…
Ermergerd! Like, how can you not be obsessed? I love Brit actors more than any other in the world (Even more than I lust over Australian actors). Firstly, I’d like to come out and say, I used a cartoon instead of real dudes because one, the real dudes are too many to show on one page and this a cute summary of my love and two, the real dudes are too gorg and you will die. Secondly, if this cartoon does not make any sense to you… Please, please die and come back as a person who does not live under a rock. Thirdly, I know that most of you love those men, you guys. I mean, from Tom Hardy to Tom Hiddleston and everyone in between. Dr Who, Sherlock, Game of Thrones, Downton Abbey, the Tudors… Just to name a few. And just to be honest with you dear reader, I would claw your eyes out for a chance with one of these okes, for the chance to have them read Shakespeare to me. I would kill you.
Beards on boys
I can’t explain it, it’s just magical. Magic on a good looking person’s face! And I don’t mean minimal facial hair, I totes die for a full-on bear-caveman beard. Now, I’m not taking anything away from the 5 o’clock shadow, it’s pretty slick and Hollywood A-list but beards are the champions of facial ruff in my books and I love a boy who can grow a beautiful full face of man fuzz. They don’t have to do much, these unicorns amongst mere man, they just have to stand there with their faces covered in saint nick and I will marry them!
Where do I begin? I begin at ‘Are you kidding me?! Have you seen those things?!’ A witty e-card once said, ‘Most girls want a walk-in closet, I want a walk-in library.’ Confessions of a shopaholic? My life is Confessions of a budding bibliophile… I imagine myself owning an awesome library one day, so beautiful and epic and colossal that I can lock myself in there with wine and junk food, and not have to go to an actual library and see human beings.
Have you given yourself a chance to just sit back and watch him be? You should. I always thought he was cute on Teen Wolf – because I’m a huge fan of the supporting lead/underdog thing. But I got over him because, Teen Wolf. Then I saw him in The Internship… and as Big Sean would say ‘Gaad, oh gaad…’ Above all that, the boy is so quirkily funny – that’s my shit, you guys. I love it!